You don't have asthma, your pregnant
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
