somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
