A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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