She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
