Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
