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So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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