someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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