I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
