is your mom at the bar?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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