I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
