you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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