I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
