remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
