Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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