I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You can't just leave with hair like that
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
