If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
