the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
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i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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