you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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