Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
