Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
