last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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