she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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