Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
