I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
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Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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