shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
