Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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