yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
