im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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