I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
