His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
