I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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