Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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