Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
last night I used snow as a chaser
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
