Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
