I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
