Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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