she was so not down for the gang bang
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
