I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
