Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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