Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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