I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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