Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
