based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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