I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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