Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
