I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
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so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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