I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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