apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
