u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
