It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
