Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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