I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
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