you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
