I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
