I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
