First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
True strength comes from lack of pants
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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